They are facing each other across the same dining table they have shared for barely a year. Beyond the love that brought them together is the incessant financial stress that would not go away. The stress worsens each time a new bill lands in front of them. They are irritated by the slightest discomfort yet they are not quarrelling. Boundaries have quietly been set: no space for constructive conversations. Silence preferred over argument. The love they have for each other is unblemished but hard questions need to be asked and honest answers need to be given to protect the marriage. One of those questions is: what brought them to the table?
Some observers believe systemic failures in policy and governance are to blame for tougher financial survival whereas others blame the couple for avoiding unsettling questions: the realism that was exchanged for fantasy before the wedding ever happened. It would therefore be unfair to pick one side and declare it as the sole cause. Though opposing, the two answers to the question are correct at the same time. This essay aims to make sense of the of the two sides of the marriage at the dinning table.
Every marriage has its own share of financial stress with varying degrees and this is certainly not by chance. Sadly, most marriage advice are centred on romance and tolerance at the expense of housing, employment and income. Particularly in Ghana and sub-Saharan Africa, there is largely no structured social protection in the face of emergencies and when the stress becomes unbearable, couples break under it. Between 80 and 95 percent of workers in most African countries are informally employed with more than 80 percent of Ghana’s total working population in the informal sector with no guaranteed income buffer when the pressure arrives (Akazili et al., 2018; Friedrich-Elbert-Stiftung et al.,2022). Dew et al. (2012) found that financial disagreements were the foremost predictor of breakups in marriages ahead of tasks and time disagreements. Financial burden runs down time, leaving little room for patience, empathy and tolerance. The wedding vows will surely not nullify the financial stress.
You may not have control over structural setups but life choices are well within your control. Setting out to marry without a sincere conversation about income flow, savings, debt and financial stability is akin to setting out on a wrong foot in a race. Despite being frequently overlooked before marriage, financial incompatibility is consistently among the top predictors of heated arguments over calm discussions between spouses (Dew & Dakin, 2011). The conversation about money may be uncomfortable but choosing not to have it in itself is a decision, one that is usually blinded by love and the thought that love will be enough. This is not to say that you need the wealth of Elon Musk to survive financial stress in marriage because wealth alone is rarely an immunity. Research shows that money arguments predict relationship dissatisfaction regardless of a couple’s income, debt or net worth: it is not how much couples have but how they handle financial disagreement that matters most (Dew et al., 2012). People who have honest discussions about money before marriage are far better positioned to weather the storm. While systemic failures explain why marriage is a tougher ride for some, they do not explain why some people decide to set out without any plan at all.
The stoics see love less as a feeling and more as a way of life. They believe love is a daily action of being present for your partner without conditions. Marcus Aurelius held that unfavourable conditions are the very window that reveals a person’s character. Yet in today’s fast paced, competitive and overstimulating world, not everyone is positioned to practise stoic philosophy to the fullest: a more reason why making thoughtful choices before marriage matters. Financial stress has been shown to negatively affect marital quality for both partners. Couple communication is essential: the negative association between financial stress and marital quality was significantly less severe when couples maintained positive communication patterns (Kelley et al., 2018). You can settle on patience more easily when you are not provoked. You can settle on presence more easily when you are not worn-out from working two jobs.
Almost everyone plans for a stylish and memorable wedding, which is fine but how many people give serious thought to the conditions that hold a marriage together? Between proposal and walking down the aisle lie long weeks of planning, heavy expenses and memory manuals. After the certificate and well wishes stand two people with no well-considered plan on how to navigate the intricacies of what comes next: no conversations about income and finances, housing, childcare and mental health support. There is no community support system to fall back on when the stress arrives. We have failed as communities to build the foundation that reduces family breakdown. Across sub-Saharan Africa, inadequate social protection means the vast majority of workers carry no income cushion against crises. 80 percent of older women and men work until they are physically incapacitated (ILO, not dated).
Back to the dining table where two people are facing each other. Two people who chose each other out of love and who compromised adequate preparation through a combination of personal choice and porous structures. The weight of what they feel at the table is valid. Anyone would be affected. The right question in their situation is not who is responsible but what they do next.
Couples affording to stay married depends on two things at once: whether the structures around them offer a hand to hold unto and whether they provided each other honest answers to uncomfortable questions before permitting love to take its course. To focus only on the uncomfortable questions is to ignore reality and to wait only for robust community structures is to escape responsibility.
The couple are still facing each other at the dining table. The love is intact but the silence will not allow them to discuss critical issue to save the marriage. They need not to take chances on emptiness. They need not to look at what society owes them. They need to look at what they owe each other.
Disclaimer: this essay examines marriage and financial stress through a structural and philosophical lens. It is not relationship advice. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a qualified professional.
References
Akazili, J., Chatio, S., Ataguba, J. E. O., Agorinya, I., Kanmiki, E. W., Sankoh, O., & Oduro, A. (2018). Informal workers’ access to health care services: Findings from a qualitative study in the Kassena-Nankana districts of Northern Ghana. BMC International Health and Human Rights, 18(1), 20. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12914-018-0159-1
Dew, J., & Dakin, J. (2011). Financial disagreements and marital conflict tactics. Journal of Financial Therapy, 2(1), 23–42. https://doi.org/10.4148/jft.v2i1.1414
Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61(4), 615–628. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x
Friedrich-Ebert-Stiftung, German Institute of Development and Sustainability, & International Labour Organization. (2022). A majority working in the shadows: A six-country opinion survey on informal labour in sub-Saharan Africa. ILO. https://www.ilo.org/global/docs/WCMS_867740/lang–en/index.htm
International Labour Organization. (n.d.). Social protection in Africa. ILO Social Protection Platform. https://www.social-protection.org/gimi/ShowWiki.action?id=673
Kelley, H. H., LeBaron, A. B., & Hill, E. J. (2018). Financial stress and marital quality: The moderating influence of couple communication. Journal of Financial Therapy, 9(2), 18–36. https://doi.org/10.4148/1944-9771.1176